Transparency

What I think is that you can't always tell everyone everything. You can't always be transparent. There's some things you gotta keep to yourself and some things that aren't meant to be said. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right.

My mentor wants to talk to me, about what happened before the Retreat, since he wasn't at the Retreat or was he there during practice. He's basically a mentor for our worship team too. But, the worship team talked to him about what happened during that Thursday night practice (I wrote about it awhile back) and I guess they were kinda forced to tell him everything since "its a sin to keep stuff away from Z" or something like that because if you know something is wrong and you don't do anything it's a sin. I mean, Z, he's a big guy. He's intimidating and people are scared of him when it comes to something serious. I called one of the worship leaders and asked what they talked about and stuff so I can get a feel around of what he's going to talk to me about on Friday.
Honestly. I'm scared. Yeah, he's my discipler and I'm suppose to trust him and tell him everything in my life. But I guess I only put an extended amount of trust between him and I.
I don't like to talk about things from the past. Once it's over. It's over. But since he wants to talk about it, I can't do anything about it. I'm not saying I don't trust Z, I do. He's always there to love me, there to show me the right direction, but I guess I'm scared to take that path.
 I had a lot more on my mind last night but I forgot. "Forgive and Forget". That's one of the motto's I live by.
I'm actually glad, the disunity we had that night, because it BONDED us closer over the weekend. Anyways, "transparency to your group". That's what the thing is. If we can't be transparent to our team, then we aren't unified. We have to know each other. Our problems. What we're struggling with. So that can pray for each other and keep each other accountable.

I guess that makes more sense now. I'm usually a independent person. I like to do things secluded from the group. I like to keep up at my pace. But I guess you can't do everything by yourself.

But trusting people is so hard for me. So many times people never keep their word. So many times I've been betrayed. So I guess for me, I'm more caution than others about telling them stuff.

I'm awake, early in the morning to study for my APUSH test that's today. And, it talked about what happened after the American Revolution. How, states didn't trust each other, how they were scared that the new government was trying to abuse their power, like Britain did before. But in reality, they weren't. The states, the Americans, were just scared the same thing would happen again.
So I guess, thinking about it.
Trust.
It's scary to do something again when you already experienced it and things went wrong. You feel like it's going to happen again. But just like America, in the end, became a great nation. Our worship team can be a great team, once I overcome the ability to actually start trusting people.

One thing that surprised me though, was the fact that Hester was telling me how much people actually look up to me. That people are watching me, looking up to me. I never realized that. I never realized people would actually look up to me. People still talk about me, about how I can lead worship from the heart all the way to what I did wrong. I never knew that.
Or for the most part, it's the girls that talk about these things.
She told me things I guess I'm not suppose to know. But, I'm not going to get mad at them. People are people.

Anyways, transparency is something I, myself, have to learn. Adapt.
Become a Body of One.

 "For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
                                                                        ~Romans 12:4-5

This is me. I am a leader of our Youth. I am a role-model to the kids. An example to every Christian out there. A man whose faith is still growing.
What if I can't lead these people right? What if I fail?

It's scary. I may not be the best, the perfect. But I guess, one verse, shown by my best friend, helped me. Helped me through all the troubles and denials I give myself.

^"9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”


                        ~Joshua 1:9