Waiting

I still do my devotions. All the time. Never once will I stop. But the quality of that time, is what I want to perfect. I almost cried last morning, overwhelmed on how much Christ loves me and how it just doesn't make sense. We did nothing for Him. He did EVERYTHING for us. I’m searching, searching, slowly and but steadily, hoping. No, believing that God will reveal Love too me.
Searching God with a pure heart, I know He’s waiting for me, waiting for me to have pure obedience.

Unanswered

I feel, like I lost my faith. I’m blinded by the deceit and lies that roam around me. I question my faith, I question why I’m even serving the Lord. I see the different religions and perspectives that each living person bases their belief on. I’m always questioning whether God is real, even though I know He is real. I’ve seen his miracles, his works done by grace, yet I can’t strap myself down and see. I believe, I believe He is real, He is true, He is God and God alone.

What I can’t comprehend is why.

Why.

Why. Why. Why. Why. Would He still love us?

Why would He still search for us?

Why.

I’m devoured by hate, envy, lust, pride, sorrow.

Yet, He still loves me.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand and that just amazes me.

I’m too ashamed of myself. I’m covered by a blanket of guilt. Guilt that God doesn’t want me. That God is angry with me. So I stop. So I stop searching, feeling there’s no use. No use.

I was told Sunday morning, I was to lead worship this Friday.

First thing that came into my mind was, “Crap.” Because I know I’m still trying to get my heart in the right place. I have billions of projects to due, I have to bring my grade up, improve my GPA, do this, that. I still have to work-out, take naps, help organize the gifts for the ACC Valentine’s gift.

And I have to get ready for worship this Friday.

I have too much. Too much to do.

I feel so stressed, so burdened. There’s just simply too much to do. On top of that, I broke my laptop today. I just wanna freeze time and take things slowly. But I can’t.

Sunday, Isaac preached, went in depth with the Armor of God, convicted me of things I didn’t know of. The Word of God is the sword of the Spirit. That we can overcome the evil of this world. It takes obedience and discipline, but in time, you will overcome.
So hard.

So hard to be consistent with God. I want to know what that love feels like. I want it in just like that. I want to be Holy right now. I want to not be Sin, but instead, Love.

But I know I can’t, I know it takes time.

I need prayers badly, but mainly, I need God. Too much to do to think about this Friday. I can’t think. I’m frustrated. I know the obvious answer is to be still with God, but I’m too consumed by the World. Please, please pray for me. Pray for this Friday, Pray for me, my time, my faith, my love, myself. Please don’t just pray with ramble, pray with love. I do need it. I need time for God, which I cannot find.

Hmm...

When do we pray to God the most? When do we talk to God more? Through troubled times or times of happiness?
To my eyes, I see that we're selfish human beings. We start praying and asking God this and that. We start praying when we have a test the next day, when you're leading worship the next day, or something that's important and you know you've been slacking your work and you can't do it without a miracle.
Once it's over, once we got what we got. Once we succeed or failed in whatever we had, we forget God. We forget about Him. We forget our walks, we forget our praises to Him, and we just live our lives because we don't "need" Him. Everything's 'perfect'. 


Pastor Jason taught yesterday about how we need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. All the time, 24/7. We need to 'break camp' and move. We need to stop stopping where we are at, and move on. Go forth. We need to become stronger Spiritually. Not stopping. Not going back.


"Break camp and advance into the hill country of the Amorites; go to all the neighboring peoples in the Arabah, in the mountains, in the western foothills, in the Negev and along the coast, to the land of the Canaanites and to Lebanon, as far as the great river, the Euphrates."
                                                          ~ Deuteronomy 1:7

It helped me realized, I've been having a limit. I grow and grow, seeing the miracles and things that God wants me too see. Giving me verses that opens my eyes and tells me on what I need to do. I have this point, where, after I lead worship, after weeks of constant devotions, I feel like I'm good where I'm at. I start losing focus. I start forgetting why I need to keep going. And I just feel like that where I am at is fine. That I can just relax.

"Break Camp"

I guess God wants me to go forward. To push myself. He wants me to see and learn more.

This has always been in the back of my head. I mean, brothers and sisters, we all seen miracles performed by God, our God. We've seen the works and wonders God provided. We say we believe He's true. That's there is a God out there. Why then, do we doubt Him? Why do we not believe that God is doing something right now, this very second? Changing our lives, having our lives planned out before we were even born?

I mean, the disciples,  they've seen miracles Physically!!!

They saw him feed the 5,000. Heal the sick, the blind, and the poor.

But when they saw Him walk on water, they were terrified. When they saw Him calm the sea, they were astonished. Surprised. In awe.

So how would you define believe? Faith? 

We say we have faith, but do we believe? When we pray, do we just pray and hope? Or do we pray and KNOW he'll do something.

Yeah, it's hard, it takes time. But what I figured out is.

The more I spend time with Him. The more I seek Him.
The more I love Him. The more He'll open my eyes.

It takes time to develop a strong foundation. You can't just do it in one night, though God can do that.

Patience.

Perspective.

Time.

Those 3 words are the words I found out are for everything.

Patience in reading His Word. Studying. Praying. 

Perspective in a sense of seeing everything differently. Seeing people with the eyes of compassion, instead of hate. The ability to see what others cannot.

Time. You can't go back, time is always running. You can't stop it. Managing your time, your schedule in order to do everything well.

1 Samuel 20

         
         "After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together - but David wept the most. 
          Jonathan said to David, " Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, ' The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.'" Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town."
                                         -1 Samuel 20:41-42


I'm in the book of 1 Samuel, and a few mornings ago, I read this. It really impressed me on how great and sincere Jonathan and David's friendship was. Their loyalty to each other couldn't be broken, not even by the Jonathan's father, Saul, King of Israel. Jonathan helped David escape before Saul could get too him.

Made me think...
In a church, in a youth, growing and growing in Unity. Becoming a stronger body of Christ.
We should help each other out. Help, the broke and weak. Casting each of our burdens to each other. Sharing. Laughing together. Growing together.
Helping each other escape the chains of Sin. Before the ruler of this earth, Satan, can get too us, let us help each other escape and find Freedom.

Enough

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me, with Your love

And all I have in You, is more than enough

You are my supply

My breath of life

And still more awesome than I know

You are my reward, worth living for

And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice 

Of greatest price 

And still more awesome than I know 

You’re the coming King 

You are everything 

And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want

More than all I need

You are more than enough for me

More than all I know

More than all I can say

You are more than enough for me

Why do you search, am I not enough for you?

This world may provide the sufficient needs,

But joy is found through Christ Jesus who leads.

Praying

 Praying is important. Pray all the time. Every second. Every minute. Every hour.

I've been learning what God has been teaching me. It is truly amazing too see that He's here. Here to comfort and teach me. Discipline, yet love me.

Showing this side of me, is hard. I mean, people see me as a kid, just running around, yelling, laughing, bragging. It gets me mad. Too see people think about that. When they think they know you, they don't. But it doesn't matter, because I only care what God says about me.

I only care what He cares.

I lead worship last Friday, and from the beginning after school, till that night, I prayed. I prayed for the Holy Spirit too fill me in. To use me, for worship. That the things I do, I say, I sing, may be all for the Glory of God.

God's been speaking too me through His Word. And it gives me security. The ability to continue this fountain. Where, I can learn, and grow. Where wisdom comes from.

Trying to make this youth grow, it's hard. They're all little kids. Not mature to fully comprehend everything. But hey I am too. I try to make things fun, make a fool out of myself, but I don't care. I just wanna bond this youth together.

I see so much potential in this youth ready to just explode. But it takes time.

Patience, is everything. I realized "Patience" is required in everything. In reading, in praying, in learning, doing homework, studying.

Psalm 107:28-30 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven

Praying if fun, in my perspective. I find peace, I find this stillness through it.

Not just to pray for my own needs. But the ability to walk, and talk, and sit with God.

Knowing He's listening to my every needs. Praying requires faith.

Here's a short story I heard from my discipler:

There's a couple living in this farm and during the days, a drought came. From then on, they went out and prayed for rain. Every day, they just go on their knees and pray. Until one day, a stranger came and asked what they were doing. And they replied "We are here praying for rain, and have been praying for the past two years." The stranger looked at them carefully and said," You got this all wrong, you're doing this wrong."

The couple replied "What do you mean? We've been praying!"

The stranger said, "Next time, bring an umbrella outside."

See, here's the thing. They prayed, and prayed, but did they believe? When you pray, you have to believe that God's going to do something. He's going to answer that prayer. You can't just guess and hope for the best. But know that God is listening and that He's going to reply back. Believe when you pray. Believe that He's doing something. Right now. This second.

Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

Freedom

"Ruin my life, the plans I have made.
Ruin desires for my own selfish gain.
Destroy the idols that have taken your place, 
till it's you alone I live for,
You alone I live for."








I do love this song. It has great meaning and depth. It's word "Ruin" is so powerful, so extravagant, just singing it gives the back thoughts.
Do I really want Him to ruin my life? My life's great. It's fun. I love my friends, family, parties.One day, I want to be said "Well done, Good and Faithful Servant"
Not, "What have you done servant?"


I have discipleship every Friday basically after school. It's a Friday. I wanna go play Ping-pong, run, eat, hang out of with friends. But instead, I go to discipleship? Just sit there, talk about my PDA, my struggles, my life, then learn a lesson. That's it?
Song "Ruin my life" comes up every time I become selfish in thought and in desires.
That's not it. There's a point to it. Hard for me to understand since I am immature, but I can grow slowly through the patience and quietness I have throughout my life.


One of the verses I've memorized:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there are no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with it's passion and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other." Galatians 5:22-26


Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with it's passion and desires.


Destroying sin, with it's passion and desires. Is that even possible? Got me thinking, and it reminded me another verse I memorized:


"It is for freedom, that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1


Freedom from sin. Something I long for.

Christ has set us Free

I haven't written a post in such a long time. I've had lost sight. But found now is found. I've wasted a week of a holiday on my desires. 
How guilty. how stubborn, how selfish am I too spend my time looking for fun! I've been displeased in the eyes of God, being tangled up in the world. But I'm running back. That's what matters. That no matter how hard those ups and downs, I still get up.


I heard a song on the radio, and I forgot the lyrics but it went something like this:
"You've been searching off in the world, am I not enough for You?"

The ONE AND ONLY THING WE NEED IS THE WORD OF GOD. Just a bible. That's it.
It provides, wisdom, knowledge, and an abundance of God's love filled with every single letter and space on each page. Each page.
Though I've fallen hard, being ashamed that I have disobeyed Father. I grew. I grew more. Learn from my mistakes, my stumbles, and began fixing. Growing stronger and stronger.


Let hope, rise, and darkness tremble in your Holy Light. 
That ever eye will see, Jesus our God!


I've been memorizing Bible verses, engraving them in my heart. 
The verse I memorized today turned out to be very useful for me at this time,


"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by the yoke of slavery."
                                      ~ Galatians 5:1


It's hard. Letting Go. I thought I let go. I thought I was being more "pure" everyday. But pride seeped in. I lost the goal I was aiming for and Satan slowly devoured me.
But. No. NO. 
Christ Has Set Us Free


I saw the stars today, looking out of the window of my car. Some glowing. Some shimmering. Some so small, it looked like a grain of sand. 
Thinking. God created all this. The Abba Father created these wonders. Yet, we tend to glorify and idolizes the invention of man-made things.
I'm getting up slowly, watching every step I make now. I'm more careful, more observant to the things that tempts me.
I do not know what God has in plan for me. I do not know my future. My death. The next minute. But, reading through His Word, praying. I have added on the list of what I might do in the future. yes, missionary might be one of them. But as I saw the gifts of what God has given me, I saw a purpose. I've added beside that, 


Youth Pastor.


Yes, I'm great with kids. I'm immature in a manner of sense that I'm always fun. I love hanging out with kids. Love seeing their lives change through the works of God. I have been putting some thought into it. But not much on prayer. I'll continue to pray and ask on what He wants to do in my life. And that I will continue to stay faithful to Him as He has been faithful to us since beyond the creation of Time.


I'm starting back up, focusing on my goal, my sight is a straight line. I will NOT LOOK LEFT NOR RIGHT. I will run back into His Arms once again.


I was thinking that no one would even dare to continue checking this blog throughout the break because I haven't written in so long. I thank you guys/gals for taking your time to understand my struggles & thoughts.