Unanswered

I feel, like I lost my faith. I’m blinded by the deceit and lies that roam around me. I question my faith, I question why I’m even serving the Lord. I see the different religions and perspectives that each living person bases their belief on. I’m always questioning whether God is real, even though I know He is real. I’ve seen his miracles, his works done by grace, yet I can’t strap myself down and see. I believe, I believe He is real, He is true, He is God and God alone.

What I can’t comprehend is why.

Why.

Why. Why. Why. Why. Would He still love us?

Why would He still search for us?

Why.

I’m devoured by hate, envy, lust, pride, sorrow.

Yet, He still loves me.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand and that just amazes me.

I’m too ashamed of myself. I’m covered by a blanket of guilt. Guilt that God doesn’t want me. That God is angry with me. So I stop. So I stop searching, feeling there’s no use. No use.

I was told Sunday morning, I was to lead worship this Friday.

First thing that came into my mind was, “Crap.” Because I know I’m still trying to get my heart in the right place. I have billions of projects to due, I have to bring my grade up, improve my GPA, do this, that. I still have to work-out, take naps, help organize the gifts for the ACC Valentine’s gift.

And I have to get ready for worship this Friday.

I have too much. Too much to do.

I feel so stressed, so burdened. There’s just simply too much to do. On top of that, I broke my laptop today. I just wanna freeze time and take things slowly. But I can’t.

Sunday, Isaac preached, went in depth with the Armor of God, convicted me of things I didn’t know of. The Word of God is the sword of the Spirit. That we can overcome the evil of this world. It takes obedience and discipline, but in time, you will overcome.
So hard.

So hard to be consistent with God. I want to know what that love feels like. I want it in just like that. I want to be Holy right now. I want to not be Sin, but instead, Love.

But I know I can’t, I know it takes time.

I need prayers badly, but mainly, I need God. Too much to do to think about this Friday. I can’t think. I’m frustrated. I know the obvious answer is to be still with God, but I’m too consumed by the World. Please, please pray for me. Pray for this Friday, Pray for me, my time, my faith, my love, myself. Please don’t just pray with ramble, pray with love. I do need it. I need time for God, which I cannot find.