True Worship

It's been a while since I wrote on my blog. I've been so caught up with friends, parties, worship practice, homework this weekend. So I apologize for that.

True worship. I guess Z misunderstood me or something when I wrote that as my status.

Saying that "true worship comes from the heart and soul, not the mind and mouth" 

We can't just blather out words of praise and prayers from our mouth and think with our minds that it's just another routine of church. It has to be true. What we say is true. True from our heart. I was thinking about writing him a message and telling him what I meant to interpret it instead of how he understood it. But I decided not too. Getting into a small argument isn't always the best thing to do. No matter how mad I get.

So on Sundays, Pastor Jason speaks a sermon every morning, and most of the time, Z tells me and Hester that he's got the concept wrong. Basically saying he's not teaching it right. He tells us his reason with a verse or some historical thing back then. We just nod our heads. I didn't say I agree with him, nor did I disagree. He's been reading the Bible since a toddler and he sure knows more about the Bible than I could ever learn. He wants us to get it right, get the concept right, and I know he's doing this out of love. But sometimes, when you try and look for all the wrong things in life, you tend to forget what's right.

I worshiped a little by myself at church yesterday after church while some people were studying PSAT. When I went back home, I got a message. A leader told me she was moved by how I had the heart of worship. How she was moved and that she wanted to learn too. Learn how to lead with a heart of worship. She encourages me all the time and she tells me how people tell her how great I am. How many people look up to me.

But I don't feel great. I don't feel like a leader. A leader who everyone should look up too. It's funny to think that if a person gets all these praises, pride seeps in. But for me, I don't have pride. I don't have pride that I am a leader, that everyone actually does look up to me. Simply because I don't accept it. I don't accept that I am the right guy. The guy where everyone says "I look up to him". Where people follow what I do.

She even told me she looked up to me. Even she does.

This week, I'm leading worship and as always, I'm excited. Excited to lead these people to the Audience of One. But when I get up there, when I put that mic in front of me, I lose it. I lose my focus. I think about the youth staring at me, thinking about what's the next verse, how I'm singing. That's why I turn off all the lights in the room during worship. Because it takes the pressure of me and I can smoothly worship. 

When I'm alone or when there's barely anyone there, I truly worship. Knowing that He is True and there is no one there to accuse me of doing anything wrong.

I have a lot to learn. So much to grow on. I want to learn everything He has to give. So tomorrow's school and another week is starting. But as a prayer request, I ask that I may have the time too wake up in the mornings and Be Still. That I may ready my heart for this Friday. That I may lead with a heart of worship and that the holy spirit may move them through it.

¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; 

   I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10